One Last Try

Mr. Frog responded to the last SMS I sent him before I departed for Iloilo. I confess, it was I who initiated it, not having heard from him again the whole week before Feb. 22.

Somehow, I couldn't shake off what Mr. J told me. Will I go for it for one last time, or will I let the "what-could-have-been" haunt me, for the rest of my life? Like me, Mr. J is setting his sight beyond what I had told him about Mr. Frog. In fact, on short range, what he sees is that Mr. Frog and I are both holding back.

I can't believe what he just said. Me? Holding back?? The more I thought of it, however, the more that it made sense, specially with my "frigidity" factored in.

If Mr. Frog had acted stupidly, so did I and without realizing it. Because of my frigidity, Mr. J believes Mr. Frog took this to mean as my lack of interest, coming from a very shy guy's point-of-view.

As of this entry, our communication is revived. Much more than this, I am learning to step out of my box and to take a bigger step of faith. As I continue to do so, may this be the key that will eventually set free Mr. Frog from his own box.

Ilonggo Express 2

The ex-online boyfriend from Iloilo is someone I still have not met F2F. I was supposed to meet him here in Manila, had he kept his promise to come home in the summer of 2001.

It was a business move for his dad that took him and his whole family there sometime in the 1990s. This guy was five years my junior and was in third year college when I met him on mIRC.

I met him during what I consider was a dark year in my life, when I was physically unattractive, had the worst boss in the world, and my spiritual life had taken a major blow.

A cyber romance was not even on my mind when I met him. Chatting simply meant whiling away the lonely hours, even if it meant laughing, alone, in my room.

Besides, I didn't like him, at first, but ended up liking him after he persisted in talking to me in private, using creative opening lines, and all the more because we shared the same spiritual beliefs.

Everything was going well in the two months of our nocturnal relationship. We had exchanged pictures, by then, and so I know how he looks like. Not my type, actually, but my heart had taken the plunge. Everything was going well until he disappeared, stopped going online for weeks.

Other friends there later confirmed a third party was behind it, which he himself eventually confessed to. What was I to do? She was there and I was here.

I really loved him. I just thank God I have moved on, with no desire whatsoever of ever seeing him.

Ilonggo Express 1

I am back! Work took me to Iloilo City, last Sunday noon and brought me back home, Thursday after lunch.

I was looking forward to seeing some friends there, who used to be just online buddies, until I met them F2F for the first time in September 2002. Again, I have my job to thank for that.

But the week turned out tighter than I expected that I ended up not seeing anyone. On my last night in the city, I had to sleep well past after midnight just to help encode workshop outputs worth a two-days' work.

Dang.

As a consolation, I burned the phone lines with my friend Mundy, a native Ilonggo, not being able to bolt out of my hotel. Another great consolation was the misadventure I shared with two officemate-friends wherein we got lost on our way to SM Iloilo.

The jeepney ride going to SM was supposed to have been a brief one... had we boarded the right jeepney to take us there.

Instead, we ended up in a place called Villa, ironically a haunting ground of my ex-online boyfriend there. Uhuh.

Kat thought it was so astig when we finally reached SM Iloilo an hour or so later, via tricycle, and had our fill of authentic batchoy.

I could picture Donnie, another native Ilonggo friend, scratching his head while texting me, puzzled over how the hell we ended up in a tricyle bound for the mall. Man, that was wacky!

I was reluctant to leave, so soon. I miss the good, cheap, relatively healthy food, already.

Crossroad

I finally met up with Mr. J, the friend I hadn't seen in quite a while. It was good to see his plump but jolly self, again. He seemed glad to see me, too, despite making him wait for about two hours.

My friendship with Mr. J dates back to when I was still in college. I met him in my practicum, where I also met my first jerk of a boyfriend. He was very much opposed to that boyfriend for reasons which later proved correct. Because of that, I value his judgment, to this day. He is among the very few male friends I still run to, as a last resort for crisis management on men.

True enough, as he dissected Mr. Frog, he came up with some very interesting, not-seen-before ideas that my other friends have yet to see:

1.) Generally, Mr. J said men will not give flowers to a woman, unless they're interested. Though Mr. Frog did not make any formal declaration about courting me, it was his way of staking his claim on me.

2.) The same general principle applies to the other gifts Mr. Frog has given me. Mr. J, himself, acknowledged he never gave me any gift in the five years that we were best friends--not even during special occasions.

3.) Unusual shyness calls for unusual responses. Although I thought I was responding to Mr. Frog's advances, a lot of my responses proved weak in getting across my own interest in him. For instance, responding to his text messages could be interpreted as mere politeness on my part.

4.) This is where it hurts. (*Drumroll, please...*) I can come across as nonchalant and frigid. I'm glad he pointed this out to me. I realize there is a grain of truth to this. To someone as shy as Mr. Frog, this can really be defeating.

5.) He does not believe that Mr. Frog is gay. (Thank God!) He is merely extra careful about not being tactile to me, for fear of coming across as "fresh." Mr. J said what if I initiate?

6.) Men, in general, will not have a sudden change of heart unless a third party is involved or a sudden doubt seizes them about getting into a serious relationship.

7.) By telling Mr. Frog about the other interested guy, I, unwittingly, posed a challenge to him. This pressured him; and men dislike pressure.

8.) Both of us may be holding back.

9.) Will I stay or will I walk away from him, now? Mr. J said for all the bad things I am seeing now in Mr. Frog, those things can change, once he learns to become really comfortable with me.

10.) Knowing the good and the bad things I now know about him, will I still stick my neck out a bit farther for him? Will I give it one last shot?

I will. I did. Before I wrote this I texted him to say "hi." As of this posting, he has not replied. If he never does, I got the answer I've been waiting for. Only then can I let go.

Through the Looking Glass

It's a perfectly good Friday night to waste, working late, again. I was supposed to have gone out with a friend I had not seen in a while. Yet here I am, still at the office, working but not quite working. My mental faculty has lapsed into auto shutdown mode... at least as far as real work goes.

Thoughts of wanting to get away are swimming in my head, instead--a sure sign of emotional fatigue. Could be an effect of having eaten two slices of cake after dinner, earlier--another sure sign of emotional fatigue. Kunwari na lang I'm celebrating Ligaya's birthday, today. Yeah, right.

What am I doing wasting away like this when life was so, SO alive shortly after I started seeing Mr. Frog last year! Why don't the trees look as vibrant, anymore, compared to when I was happily with him. Could it be that like Alice, I had been staring through the looking glass, all this time? Tipong, I think he really likes me, when in truth, he doesn't like me all that much? Not enough to pursue me, at least.

I don't know. My mind is still on auto shutdown mode. Hopefully, tomorrow, I'm on my normal mode, again, and hopefully, too, out of my looking glass.

Finding Mr. Left

Any romantic hope I now hold for Mr. Frog is almost good as dashed. He has ceased communicating with me, even through text, despite being together last Sunday. He also said that he will text me this week to watch "The Last Samurai" with him, but he did not. Grrr... Hindi na 'ko natutuwa. Promise!

I know... I should have dashed that hope a long time ago, at the first hint of his ugly transformation. I should've dashed his head along with it, too, for being SO unbelievably stupid at the way he is handling this... this... whatever you call this... relationship!

Ligaya's right. Men are stupid. But let me add a qualifier: Men are stupid in matters of the heart.

So on account of his romantic stupidity, I am now declaring myself free--free to date anyone, again. In fact, I will set out on a mission to find a "fling" in Iloilo, when I go down there next week for work.

The next man I'll date will carry the following traits:

1. He is purposive. He knows why he wants to go out with me and knows where he wants the relationship to lead, maybe after a couple of dates. Most of all, he will let me know. To this day, Mr. Frog has done neither.
2. He takes care of my heart. He restrains himself from showing any sign of pursuit, until he knows for sure that he wants to establish a romantic relationship with me. Mr. Frog has given me flowers, stuffed toys, and some other cute things. Heck, what were those for?!?
3. He calls me up. He will make an effort to phone me, no matter how busy he is--and it doesn't have to be everyday. Mr. Frog has NEVER phoned me, even when I asked him to. (That jerk!) Well... just once, and it was only because the line was cut after I called him up.
4. He respects my feelings. I don't mind arguments. Arguments add spice to the relationship and strengthens it when done the right way. But. I would appreciate someone who can use words constructively, rather than destructively. In his anger, Mr. Frog can be really nasty with his words.
5. He loves my God. I have told myself that I will not let anyone stand between me and God. Not any guy. If the man I date cannot inspire me to love God more, goodbye. Mr. Frog unwittingly draws me near to God. On a good note, he has opened my eyes to worshipping God other than by going to church.

Haay. Pero sa tutoo ang daling magsalita. But deep inside, I know who I want. Still him... The man I hold in my heart as Mr. Right. Still him. I guess I'm just as stupid as he is, after all. Well... So much for Mr. Left.

Sunny-side Up

I have not known the afternoon sun for one week, now. Work has locked me in 'til very late at night, that even the guards at the office are starting to grow incredulous at the crazy long hours we clock in--me and my female friend-officemate.

On the brighter side, this is good. I need less idle time at night and more to occupy my waking hours, no matter what that entails.

For the first time last night, since I slipped into and bumped my head from 'love,' I began writing in my journal, again. By this I mean a real notebook, containing long-hand written thoughts, be they prayers, insights, or whatever my heart held.

I felt good going back to it. I missed it. Now that Mr. Frog is quietly leaping off my life--so it seems with no more text messages from him--my life can start flowing on its own, again, and into the pages I had left because of him.

I know the sun might not come out for some more days, weeks, or maybe months. One day, however, I know it will, brighter and sunnier than when I met him.

Que sera sera

I will kill my fairy godmother the next time I see her. My Valentine wish did not come true--that is, to know if I'll end up with Mr. Frog. 'Til now I still don't know, like a floatsom at sea, aimless and adrift.

On the brighter side, the conversation I had with Mr. Frog must've been the most meaningful, so far. He even introduced me to some more members of his family, particularly his two married sisters who are now based abroad. I met them over dinner with Mr. Frog through the three photographs they sent him.

Face to face, I've so far met three of his nephews and their only baby sister--sons and daughter of his only older brother. I've had the privilege of joining them go malling sometime in November last year, and then again in December for a movie preview of the "Return of the King."

What's more, Mr. Frog has actually started sharing some of his personal problems, one involving finances and the other involving his dad. Overall, it never ceases to amaze me how I am so comfortable being around him, excluding his straitjacket moments.

One part of me is aching to infiltrate that wall, but the other part wishes to stay away from it--a constant struggle between my heart and my mind. My mind wants to be "just friends" with him, but my heart cannot lie in wanting him and wanting to be with him.

If only I can blame my fairy godmother for this blasted misery! I can't. In the meantime, life goes on. Whatever will be, will be.

My Funny Valentine

Tomorrow, women from around the world will receive the usual shower of long-stemmed red roses, chocolates, teddy bears, and all that sweet, gooey stuff in honor of Valentin'es Day. As for me, I have no idea what I'll get from him--if any. Yes... The spell is broken. Mr. Frog is back and life goes on.

Anyway. If I'm "lucky", I could get another rubber sheep keychain from him, which when squeezed hard enough will poop a soft gooey brown rubber something and bulge its white, rubber eyes off its sockets. (He gave this to me for a Christmas gift). Or if I'm "really lucky", he could give me another bundle of miniature red roses that can stand on its own, like newly harvested wheat tied together.

Such is Mr. Frog. Made to choose between a normal chicken vs. one with three legs, he will most likely walk away with the three-legged fowl. We were malling one Sunday when he came upon a hideous-looking silver ring--the kind that Saroman or weed-puffing rockstars would wear. He picked it up, scrutinized it, and bought it two minutes later. "Something to add to my room," he explained to me. My innards cringed. I could picture a jungle of clothes, socks, briefs crawling all over his room; a swarm of books infesting all open spaces except the ceiling; and dust so thick one would need a gas mask to stay alive!

As it turned out, the room is an interior decorator's dream come true, what with its earth-colored walls, soft studio lights and ocean music playing softly in the background. And he didn't even have it decorated, professionally. "The guy has taste," I recall Ligaya telling me, one time. "If you end up with him, you'll be one pampered housewife!"

Comes now the million-dollar question. Will I, indeed, end up with him?

If I can ask for one gift this Valentine's, it's to know the answer to this two-month old question. If a three-legged fowl has to come with it, so be it. But, dear fairy godmother, please let me know! For once, I want to quit laughing with him, and just know. Even for one day, just this Valentine's Day.

Standing Up, Again... Almost

"Weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning." (Psalm 30:5)


I woke up this morning crying to a kind of pain I haven't felt in years. It's the kind that makes me coil into a ball in bed, not wanting to get up or do anything but just lie there.

While lying there, tears flowing sideways onto my pillow, all I could think of was "Help me, Lord! Help me... Help me," which has become my pathetic mantra these past two weeks.

It had taken a tremendous amount of effort for me to finally get up and go to work. Somehow, I managed. God must've heard and started to help me.

Later, as I was walking down the street, a feeling of unexplained joy surged into my heart. I don't know why, but in that instant, I knew the sun will shine again in my life probably sooner than I'm expecting.

I think the first peek of sunshine came when I realized, with Ligaya's encouragement and help, that someone out there (a guy I may not have met yet) may be praying for me. A guy who would treat me much much better and who will know how to take care of me--two traits seriously lacking in Mr. Frog, as I now see it.

This guy, she said, will not only be my teacher, but will also be a Friend and a spiritual leader--two more traits lacking in Mr. Frog.

She argued that if Mr. Frog was truly a friend, he will not walk away just like that. But he did, and a big part of my pain is not knowing if he'll ever come back. Even as a friend.

I have willed myself to stop thinking why. I know and acknowledge some stupid things I did that could have helped sabotage our "relationship." But God knows I did these things, yes, for love, cheesy as it may sound. Not to mention that Mr. Frog also plays a part.

Mr. Frog, if you knew I love you, would you have treated me more kindly? Would you see the light and help you understand some of the things I said and did? They were all for you, you know, because I love you.

If God wills it, I hope to see you, again, sometime in my future. Not now, when I'm nearing ready to stand up, again, with a new heart, under a new sun.

The Love Vote

If my "relationship" with Mr. Frog were to undergo an election process, votes would look like this:

Those In Favor-- (10 votes)

1. Me
2. Me
3. Me
4. Me
5. Me
6. (Hi, God!)
7. Ben Tambling (a pastor)
8. Dr. Beautiful (a common friend)
9. Miss L (my girl friend)
10. Me

While those Not in Favor-- (5 votes)

1. Ligaya (my best friend, of all people!!!)
2. Mr. N (my spiritual adviser)
3. Mrs. N (a good friend and my spiritual adviser's wife)
4. Mr. G (my mentor and counselor)
5. Miss Peace (my officemate and friend)

Lastly, those with Abstain votes-- (3 votes)

1. Sharon M. (my girl friend)
2. Toni Girl (my counselor and text pal)
3. (Insert mental block, here)

If the votes were to be analyzed, the YES votes are obviously overwhelming! ...If multiple and In Absentia votes count. Since a candidate can vote for him/herself, at least one vote from ME will be counted. The rest are meant to suggest strong emphasis.

But noticeably, too, Mr. Frog cast a silent vote as the other candidate. If asked about whose side he'll be on, I feel a profound sadness when I say that I won't know what to say.

As of press time, his cold spell continues. He has not asked me out for the second Sunday yesterday. And his text messages may still be on air... headed for a different recipient.

Of course, I can always ask him why, if I want to make things worse, as I'm pretty sure it would. Just last night, Ecclesiastes reminded me that "a wise heart will know the proper time and procedure for everything." And my heart, though often foolish, is certain that it's not the proper time to ask.


I wonder what people will vote for, should our "relationship" undergo a real election process. Will people close to him cast a YES vote in my favor? How 'bout you? How 'bout God?

Missing You

Today, I'm missing you,
Whether or not you're missing me.

Until how long, who knows.

Maybe when I get tired...

Maybe when I grow old...

Maybe when the world stops...

--I don't know for how long.

One day. Someday. Who knows?

Just that I'm missing you,
And hoping you miss me, too.

"Nabuang Na"

Mr. Frog is an arm's length away by one text message or one voice call (if I dare). Faced with the odds of him not responding... it's best to do some math and calculate the risk.

To compute: 1 text message (mine) + 0 reply (his) = 1 broken heart (mine)

Or: 1 voice call (mine) + 0 reply (his) = 1 VERY* broken heart (ouch, mine, again)

*Brokenness is compounded because a voice call requires immediate reply. If he rejects the call or doesn't answer it, that would be equivalent to an outright rejection. Major OUCH!

But if he responds...

1 text message (mine) + 1 reply (his) = 2 unbroken hearts

Or: 1 voice call (mine) + 1 reply (his) = 2 VERY unbroken hearts

What to do, what to do, what to do...

a. Text him
b. Call him
c. Do nothing

Final answer: C ;o)

My Heart Grew Wings

My heart grew wings
And flew to you.

But you
Not recognizing it
Chased it away
Afraid

Saying,
"Hearts do not grow wings and
fly to me."


My heart flew back to me

I cup it gently in my palms,
Instantly recognizing it as mine.

Linger

The bite of the moment stings
with a poison sweet and dangerous.

You feel it

Not really wanting to

Knowing you must not

For the danger that it brings.

But the sweetness finds its way into your veins,
pleading to be felt, now throbbing, pulsating.

You feel it,
Not really wanting to.

And you feel.

You ... feel, without intending to.

You want to get away from this animal--
this beast that has sunk its teeth into your
soul!

Too late.

You lingered.

Me

My best friend Ligaya (not her real name) inspired me to start this blog. Like her, I'm nursing a broken heart. The man I thought to be my long-awaited prince is turning out to be a frog (for the first time last Sunday, he did not ask me out and has ceased texting me, as well). And I haven't even kissed him, yet!

The frog is 40, handsome, never-been-married guy who keeps to himself with the intensity of a human straitjacket. I don't know how he pulls it off, but it truly makes me cry, especially when I'm with him.

Before his sudden transformation, he had been seeing me for three months, now.

I, the unfortunate princess, am 29, never been married, never been kissed, and soon to be 30. I often roam the Philippines as a communication specialist with the Dept. of Education.

When in his human, not necessarily normal self, the frog helps people as a counselor and a shrink.

We both reside in Manila, Philippines.

I'm fervently hoping that my story with this frog has not ended, yet. I hope I still get to kiss him, someday. And when I do, may he turn back into the prince I always believed he was.

And you, dear reader, thank you for coming into my world. Despite the downside of love I am now going through, may my blog encourage you to keep loving, with all you've got!

As the Lord is teaching me, the only way to love is to love with ALL my heart. Anything less is cowardice! So come, be brave with me, let's love!