Eternal Sunshine of the Spotful Mind

One day last week, it dawned on me that I'm turning 30 this year and can very likely lose my job next year. (The project I'm working in will expire in 2006). At this point, I have no idea until when my services as a communication officer will be needed by my boss.

At these thoughts, my grey matter couldn't help but hemorrhage a bit. A few hours later grand illusions about my so-called "bright future" (whatever that is) started to occur.

According to my hemorrhaging brain, my bright future will come in three forms: a master's degree in counseling; my own business; and a progressive career as a professional classical guitarist (hee hee)--granting I get to graduate from my guitar lessons with flying colors!

Having my own business will help ensure a steady flow of income, while I let my brain agonize some more within the confines of ATS or ABS where I plan to enroll this second sem--that is, once I finally decide which school it will be. Heaven help me!

The business I intend to start this October sana will require a capital of around PhP100,000--which I now have in my hands, but in my dreams. Hehe...

On hyper-overdrive, words like "borrowing," "loan," and "loan application" have had some serious moments inside my head. And they still do. So forgive me if my blog goes on hibernation mode again. That's how my reality bites.

Thanks for helping me process my thoughts through here. Let's hope my hibernation will not take too long.

Lastly, if you believe in the wonders and powers of prayer, please do pray for me. I'm about to hit another fork in the road, and what a crucial fork it will be. :o)

Mr. Frog No. 2

If I don't watch out I might land myself in the Guinness Book of World Records as the girl with the most number of toads in her life! (Good grief!)

Just today I discovered that the cute "goatee guy" who struck up a conversation with me at school is bound by an invisible wedding cord, although I failed to notice the visible wedding ring that's supposed to go with it . In other words, folks, he's Married. Another prospective Prince gone bust. Waaahh!!

I found this out through a background investigation that my best friend so ably performed, today. (Parang CIA!) Thanks, dearie.

Too bad. Ligaya said I came late into his picture. But I didn't think so. God holds every event in His hand. He, alone, approves every situation we experience, whether good or bad. And this only means one thing.

Sawi na naman ako. Waaah!!! (Translation: I'm free, again. Hehe.) As if. :o)

At the very least, I know now. I know better what to expect from him and the limitations that should go with them. I won't be as bat-blind as I was with Mr. Frog No. 1.

If there is anything I regret, at this point, it's my failure to conduct a C.I. on Mr. Frog No. 1. DANG! The heartache I could have avoided. But as they say, one sometimes has to learn life's lessons the hard way. It holds doubly true for someone like stubborn me. Hehe..

Tomorrow, like any good seminarista I will simply go to class, sit in, participate and Behave. I will also bring bawang or garlic to ward off any more "bad spirits" disguised as handsome frogs. Waaahhh!!!

God, Are You Trying to Tell Me Something?

I can't help but wonder if God is trying to tell me something again about Mr. Frog. Last Friday night, at the first Gary V. concert I ever went to, a very visual reminder about him struck (literally) on stage, as front act.

Last Saturday, during our bible study, I came across a section mentioning the apostle Luke as a "doctor." To top it off, I was assigned to teach on a subject studded with examples about self-help, psychology, counseling--all of which have something to do with Mr. Frog.

And in my bible reading, today, guess what verse I ran into?

Mark 2:17a. "Healthy people don't need a doctor--sick people do."

My friend Lou told me that this might be nothing more than a test--to prove the strength of my resolve to get over him.

In all honesty, I do want to get over and done with him already. Ever since these weird episodes started popping up, I've been praying that none of these would mean reconnecting ties with him anytime soon.

I do remember having asked God before to not let me forget him, if only to continue praying for him.

For this reason, arrow prayers for him have been my immediate response, so far. And the only kind I hope God would ask of me, until my heart is completely well.

But in case He does ask, otherwise, I'm also confident that He'll give me all the strength I'll need to deal with Mr. Frog the way He'd want me to. :o)

... God? What are You trying to tell me?

Back in Eating Form

My palate has been on hyper-overdrive these past few days, a sure sign that I'm back in fighting form. That means (Haaay... Sa wakas!) I'm over him. Woohooooo.....!!!! I can't believe how I've been managing to polish off my plate, lunch or dinner. During my Frog days, my friends at work would almost thank me for consuming at least half of any meal.

Old friends know it is normal of me to be matakaw!

As an example, I had a hearty dinner of fried milkfish, veggies and 1 cup of rice tonight, which I wolfed down in 10 minutes or less.

Oh... I'm just thankful that one sordid chapter is really about to end for me.

I even look forward to taking up the other things I momentarily forgot, when he came into my life. Like jogging, badminton--my lessons on classical guitar are going really well. Maybe by way of a recital, I shall master the song "Psycho" and send him a recorded acoustic version of it. Hahaha!!

In the meantime, Chocolate Zagu seems like a lovely way to cap the night. I think I'd go for a Grande after this, before I head for home. ;o)

Way to Go, Gurl!

Last night, I did something stupid. I texted Mr. Frog. Who cares! He doesn't know my number, anymore, anyway. I just didn't know why I let this kind of stupidity get the better of me.

Typical of him, he did not respond. He often refers to unknown texters as "stalkers" which, in turn, earned him the monicker "feeling-Brad Pitt" by one of my maldita friends.

Either out of disappointment or a sudden surge of panic, I deleted his number from my phone directory. Just in case insanity strikes back. Not content with deleting his number, I went on to erase the stored messages in my Outbox--the other ones I sent to him, long after he had made a curtain call. I still keep his e-mail messages, though, to serve as pieces of incriminating evidence, should the need for them arise. Hehe.

I congratulate myself for having obliterated more of him from my system. This shows how I am gaining new strength and pretty soon, he'll be ranked in the annals of my life as no more than "a rare archaelogical find" fit perhaps for the pedestal, but not for my heart. Naks!

Stupidity aside, way to go, gurl!

Sad

Last Saturday, a good friend told me that Mr. Frog has started seeing someone else. This good friend learned about this from Mr. Frog, himself. There is only way to describe how I feel about this. SAD.

I am sad for how he had misinterpreted my desire to point him to the right direction as "manipulation" and a "desire to change him." I am sad for all the issues that we glossed over and which turned our relationship for the worse. I am sad how these issues ultimately caused his permanent distance. I am sad how his wrong perception of me left me out in the cold, for good. Most of all, I am sad that I cannot seem to get myself out of this agonizing hellhole. It never seems to end!

Like what I told our good friend, however, I do not regret being true to the assignment that God gave me in Mr. Frog's life... that is, to point him to the right direction, despite the grave personal cost. While he has decided to open himself to a new relationship, he has also gone on to sort out the personal issues which became the divisive crux between us. He is even going to church again, consistently, every Sunday. And he is now seeing a spiritual mentor to help him sort out the issues in his heart.

If only all these good things will stop the sadness I am feeling. If only.

Boobtube Blunder

One recent Sunday ago, my usual quiet morning almost turned upside down when a text message from a friend alerted me about Mr. Frog's appearance on a local TV show. The episode he was casted in was to be aired that Sunday night. And, naturally, I did not watch it. I repeat. I did NOT watch it. In fact, to evade the temptation of watching him get "upstaged by the other guest," as some of my friends would later report, I hid away at a French Baker branch and downed 4 cups of peppermint tea, to my heart's delight. What a pleasant discovery. A pot of peppermint tea for only P37.00.

As I look back, I can't help but be amused at how humans can sometimes be so unpredictable--and shifting--in their perception. The friends who, at one point, would do anything to swear off Mr. Frog from my life, were the very same ones who rang me up on my cellphone to share the news about his TV appearance. This, just when I was starting to become rock solid in my resolve to forget him. Haha!

The second caller did not even get a chance to greet me "Hello," as I abruptly intercepted her with "Alam ko na ang sasabihin mo! At hindi ako interesadong mapanood siya!" ("I already know what you're going to tell me; and I'm not interested to see him on TV!"). My friend could only laugh, in reply, and wonder how I ever guessed the intention of her call.

...I did not watch him, because doing so would mean to inflict emotional torture on myself. Call me crazy, but I still do get hurt with any reminder of him. While my mind may have resolved to sever all ties with him, my heart remains connected to him--a sad reality I continue to wake up to and struggle to accept, on a day-to-day basis. God knows how much I'd want to subject this episode to an "eternal sunshine of the spotless mind," and be done with him, once and for all! But I can't and will not, for as long as I live.

All persons we encounter in our lives leave something of themselves behind. In my case, Mr. Frog left a big dent in my life and hopped away with no less than my heart, in hand.

It was partly a relief to have learned that he blew his shot at instant stardom. I don't want him to become famous. Something in me tells me he may not be prepared to handle it. I truly and sincerely want him to be happy.